Posts Tagged humor

A Cowboy Named Bud

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote Texas pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust worthy of the Road Runner.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the BMW’s gold-tinted window and asked cowboy Bud, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to a secret NRO satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re an aide in the Obama Administration”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep…

Now give me back my dog!

Author unknown but appreciated.

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Obama Supporters At The Restore Sanity Rally Show Their Brain Power

John Maynard Keynes

John Maynard Keynes, Economist

The liberals, progressives, elitists, and marxists who support President Barack Hussein Obama usually take every opportunity to make personal attacks on anyone who is conservative or an anti-Obama critic. That’s especially true if a critic or conservative dares to provide indisputable facts about, or express any well founded criticism regarding, President Obama’s policies.  The usual liberal response is to quickly say how stupid, uneducated, and uninformed the conservative/critic is.  They clearly believe that they are the intellectual elite and everyone else is part of the mental midget society.

Recently a number of President Obama’s ardent supporters were caught on video expressing their opinions of a sign at the Restoring Sanity Rally in Washington, D.C. that simply asked “Obama = Keynesian?”  Here at Happily American we are very well aware that the sign was asking about President Obama’s economic policies and philosophies, and whether they were influenced by British economist John Maynard Keynes but apparently the President’s supporters were not.  It seems they were confused and thought the sign was commenting on the President’s place of birth (some say Kenya).  Whether these highly intelligent democrats had difficulty seeing the sign, can’t be bothered to distinguish between Kenyan and Keynesian, or have some other intellectual impediment has not been determined….but the results are hilarious!  Intellectual elite indeed!

To be fair, education in the United States isn’t very strong now days in the subjects of economics, geography, or even reading.  So, who could blame these poor minions of the great and powerful Barack for not being able to distinguish between Kenyan and Keynesian?

Enjoy the video below, it’s a hoot!

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Muslim Suicide Bomber Union May Go On Strike

Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “I sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don’t like cutting benefits, but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up.”

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.

According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.

Author Unknown But Appreciated

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Embarrasing Moment In The Fourth Grade

Don’t you just love Little Johnny?  (h/t Melissa)

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.  All the typical answers came up – fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman…and so forth.  However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the children to work on some exercises and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”  “No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

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California versus Texas

Texas Governor Rick Perry

Texas Governor Rick Perry

A study in government.  (h/t to Alicia N.)

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.  A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog killing it.

California:

#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.

#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

#8. Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files a multi million dollar suit against the state.

Texas:

#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging.  Governor has spent $0.50 on a .380 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.  PETA moans and groans but nobody listens.

Any wonder why California is broke????

Partially based on a true story.

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The PC Quiz Part 1

Are you Politically Correct, or do you have a brain?  In other words do you automatically default to PC nonsense instead of using the gray matter between your ears?  The PC Quiz is here to help you find out.  Answer our first question correctly and there may be some hope for you.  Answer incorrectly and you’ll know you’re just a PC hack.

Which of the following actresses is African-American?

A. Charlize Theron

B. Salma Hayek

C. Aishwarya Rai

D. Halle Berry

Do you have your answer?  Are you sure?  Scroll down to find out if you’re right…..

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What was your answer?

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B?  I’m sure you didn’t pick “B. Salma Hayek”.  Salma Hayek was born in Coatzacoalcos, Veracruz, Mexico and is a naturalized American citizen but is not African-American.  Very hot, yes.  African-American, no.

C?  If your IQ is above room temperature you also didn’t pick “C. Aishwarya Rai”.   Aishwarya Rai was born in Mangalore, India and is not an American citizen.  An actress, yes.  Beautiful, yes.  African-American, no.

D?  Did you pick “D. Halle Berry”? Ha! Wrong, very wrong you PC HACK!  Halle Berry was born in the United States…Cleveland, Ohio actually.  She’s an actress, a very good one…and she’s an American…but…she’s not African.  Sooo, not African-American.

A? If you picked “A. Charlize Theron” then you’re not only right, you’re a person with a brain and smart enough to know that Political Correctness is ridiculous.  Charlize Theron was born in South Africa and is an American Citizen.  Sooooo, she’s the African-American.

Thanks for playing.

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More Unwarranted Awards For Obama?

Obama never saw a camera he didn't love

Obama never saw a camera he didn't love

Alfred Nobel, inventor of Dynamite, was pretty clear about the criteria for awarding the peace prize bearing his name, it goes, “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.”  Given those criteria I was surprised that the Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to President Barack Obama.  It was awarded by the Nobel committee despite Obama meeting none of Nobel’s criteria by the February 1, 2009 nomination deadline…nor since.  It must have surprised the President too.  In a rare display of truth President Obama said, “I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures honored by this prize.”  Truer words….

Interestingly not everyone thought Obama was undeserving, some noted peaceniks fawned all over Obama.  Fidel Castro, former Communist Military Dictator of Cuba, said that Obama’s award was a “positive measure”.  Ahmed Yousef, deputy foreign minister of (Terrorist Organization) Hamas said, “We congratulate him for this”.  Also offering congratulations was Director General of the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) Mohamed ElBaradei (2005 Nobel Peace Prize) who said “Israel is number one threat to Middle East”.  What a great bunch to have behind you, eh?

Anyway, now that President Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize he’s being considered by a number of other prize committees.  It’s expected that Obama will be presented the following awards in 2009 and 2010:

The Academy Award (Oscar): Obama will be presented the Best Picture Oscar for the autobiographical movie of his life that he intends to someday write, direct, and star in.  Harrison Ford will deliver the trophy to Obama in France.

The Tony Award:  Obama will be presented the Tony for his one-man show based on the memoir he hasn’t written or even conceived of yet.  No word yet if the teleprompter will get a nod.

The Pulitzer Prize: Barack Obama’s unwritten memoir easily gets the next Pulitzer.  I’m still waiting to find out if the Nobel Committee will revise the 2009 Nobel Prize for Literature winners or wait until 2010 to present the award for the unwritten book.

The Grammy Award:  The as yet to be recorded spoken-word version President Obama’s memoir that he hasn’t yet written will also garner the Grammy Award in 2010 even though it’s not expected to hit the shelves for several years – if ever.

The Emmy Award:  Barack Obama’s planned but not yet produced sock puppet show will get the daytime Emmy for Best Daytime Drama by defeating Susan Lucci.  He’ll also get the prime time award for the same show despite it never being shown…ever.

After that who knows?  Will he be awarded the NBA Finals MVP trophy or the Cy Young award?  The Heisman Trophy?  America’s Cup?  He’s just as qualified to win those awards as he is to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

Maybe I’m too hard on Obama.  Maybe he’s actually qualified to win one award…the World Magic Award for making democracy and free markets disappear in his own country.

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President Obama’s Teleprompter Speech Template

It’s hard to escape hearing or seeing President Obama. He really seems to love hearing himself so he talks and talks and talks while saying pretty much nothing at all. It turns out there’s a template used for his speeches that gets plugged into his many teleprompters. It goes something like:

I’d like to welcome blah, blah, blah, I’m blah, blah, blah, I know blah, blah, blah, I feel blah, blah, blah, I won blah, blah, blah, I will blah, blah, blah, Previous Administration blah, blah, blah, and Everyone Agrees blah, blah, blah, Therefore I Have Instructed blah, blah, blah, Michelle Says blah, blah, blah, The World Hates Us blah, blah, blah, I, I, I, Me, Me, Me.

There, now you don’t have to wonder what the President is going to say. You don’t have to rush to the nearest television bought with the Stimulus Package to find out anything. You’ve now officially heard/read every single speech he’s made or will make.

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Three Women Went To Mexico

Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate their college graduation…they get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and they release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the Louisiana State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya’ll right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in!”

Author Unknown

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Are You A Democrat, Republican, or Southerner?

Sorry, don’t know who to attribute this too, but it’s too insightful to leave unpublished.

Are you a Democrat, Republican, or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife and charges at you.

You are carrying a .40 cal Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer: Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

What does the law say about this situation?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

(The last couple of questions were asked while bleeding to death)

Republican’s Answer: BANG!

Southerner’s Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!Click….. (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydra-Shock hollow points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You ain’t takin’ that to the taxidermist!

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